The thorn
Rancour, and the most precise test in the Ladder
Anger that does not pass does not disappear; it settles in. John Climacus calls this rancour and gives it names: the keeper of sin, the worm of the mind, a thorn stuck in the soul, a feeling enjoyed with a bitter sweetness.
It is easy to recognise. There is someone whose name makes your stomach tighten. In a quarrel you drag up things from ten years ago. You feel a small satisfaction when things go badly for the one who hurt you. You say “I have forgiven”, and still keep the account.
John does not ask you to wait for the feeling to change. He asks you to begin with a deed. If you cannot pull the thorn from your heart, apologise to that person, if only in words. Invite him to your table or send him a small gift. The table of love, he says, destroys hatred.
Do not wait for the feeling. Begin with the deed.
The test by which you know the thorn is out is the most precise in the whole Ladder. You are not free when you pray for the one who insulted you, nor when you repay him with good, nor when you invite him to your table. You are free when you hear that misfortune has struck him and you grieve as if it had struck you.
The question remains: if you no longer remember the wrong, why do you still talk about others?
N. Ž.